Not entirely. I’ve broken down every time I’ve tried to get my legs to churn out more than 5-6 miles at at time for a few weeks. The most I’ve ever run in a single week is 18 miles – and that broken up into 5 easy runs. What I’ve learned from these set-backs is that my miles have to come off-road. I deliver too much of a pounding to my joints when I run on the streets & sidewalks. In the Summer my form suffers as I get dragged down by the heat & humidity. There’s no hotter place to run in the Summer than on blacktop! So, I’m spending more time outside in the perpetual 90 degree days and netting most of my miles on trails. For these reasons, and because I get BORED looking at cars going past during a run I needed a trail run half marathon which is somewhat rare.

The first one that came to mind is the “Half-Wit” race in my old hometown of Reading. It’s nationally recognized as an annual train-wreck. It is half trail-run and half trail-blaze with stream crossings, unnecessary hill climbs, sticker bushes and rock scrambles. I helped work one of the water stations a few years back and the people coming down the hill looked they had been through a war. This is a fun challenge and I’ve run a few of their other adventure races but this is NOT what I need to break into the world of the Half Marathon. I shopped around the internet looking for races. I explored traveling but without knowing what the “trail” is really made of it’s pretty difficult to judge the course. Crushed gravel is OK but some sweet single track  (see example at right) with enough log hops and creek crossings to keep my short-attention span is what I want! I wanted some elevation changes but not sheer hill climbs just for the sake of adding difficulty.  Plus I didn’t want a big race with thousands of runners either. And within driving distance would be nice.! Yeah, I’m pretty picky. Just when I was starting to think I might not find one this year I get an email from one of the race clubs touting the Sloppy Cuckoo Half Marathon! Saturday September 25th. 10AM. 13.1 miles of rolling hills and varied terrain. Limit 500 runners. Just outside Philadelphia. Perfect!

I quickly sent in my registration before I chickened out or made up some kind of excuse. Now I’m committed – like all the other Cuckoos! With just 8 weeks to prepare I set out a schedule then promptly began to ignore it based on the weather. Here’s my training log after two weeks:

Week 1: 14 miles in 3 runs (5,2,6). Too damn humid. Got a little bit of cross training on the bike though.
Week2: 14 miles in 3 runs (2,4,8). The 8 miler is my longest run since November. Plus 5 miles on bike & 5 by hiking boot & 5 by kayak. That’s cross-training!
Week 3: Less of an adventure than last week I hope. Depending on the weather we’ll see how it goes.

In six weeks I’ll post another entry here with my success story – or my tale of woe. =]

Now the biggest blow – possibly ever – has knocked my perpetual puerility for a loop. The Simpsons is no longer on in syndication. I’ve been enjoying my daily D’oh for as long as I’ve been shaving. Since before I could vote. Almost as long as I’ve been driving. How could this be? The Simpsons still was the highest rated show in its time slot this past Sunday, even in reruns, and Homer was just declared TV’s greatest character so again I ask; How could this be?! The worst part? They replaced it with life-long Jon Stewart wannabee Craig Kilborn’s new show. This is the guy who thinks he owns idea of asking his guest 5 questions and is so painfully uncharismatic that he originally needed writers to create a persona for him. I’ll say this for the guy: He’s apparently in good with the roaches… he just refuses to die.

Of course, my venom is mostly just in reaction to what he has replaced. I wouldn’t have had a cow, man if Fox overlayed TMZ. This almost felt personal and I had to find answers so I hit Fox.com. No mention of the Kilborn show. Interesting. Google was a bit more enlightening – it turns out the show is being tested in only a few markets! That means somewhere children of all ages are still enjoying 10-15 year old 21-23 minute comedic masterworks from the glory days of the show. There is hope! The test-run is only for 6 weeks – ending August 6th.

There are those who say the show is no longer relevant. Those naysayers have apparently allowed themselves to get old. For shame! Truth be told, I don’t watch the re-runs every day or even every week but it’s a comfort thing to know they’re there. I will also admit that the show isn’t what it used to be. It couldn’t be because I’m getting older and no longer fall into their target demographic. Impossible! No, the blame lies squarely on The Simpsons itself – in setting the bar too high. In a few years the Powers That Be will decide that the show has run long enough and I will… probably cry like a baby. Until then all I can do is wait and enjoy it while it lasts. Six weeks from now I may return to the glorious TV of my youth. Until then, Craig Kilborn can eat my shorts.

Back in February I received an email from General Motors. Being a Saturn Owner, they wanted me to know that they would be more than happy to sell me a new car with a nice discount.

The bold print said we are family. The fine print told me that Saturns were excluded from the special.

It was about that time that the front end went out of alignment. Nothing major. Just one more bit of character to the car. I promised myself I would get it aligned the next time I had it in the shop. Well, it didn’t need any work for the next few months and then on Easter weekend, while I was on my way down to South Jersey for Easter Dinner I hit the mother of all Jersey Potholes while getting onto the Turnpike. It threw the alignment way out of whack but the car was drivable and nothing is open on Easter so I enjoyed my meal and once everyone was back to work I made an appointment to have the front end twiddled. I took it to a tire place (which should have some experience in alignments) and was told that the sub-frame had bent and would have to be replaced. $900 if I went with a used part. They warmed me that it wasn’t really safe because it was a control issue. Having just driven it close to 200 miles, I didn’t really listen because I felt I could get it home while I mulled over my mechanical options.

I never suspected the 4 mile ride home would be the car’s last ride.

If the car was going to sit for a while it’s a bad idea to let it sit with a nearly empty gas tank so I pulled into the Wawa… well, almost. I made it most of the way in and then the wheel fell off. Well, almost. It tore free and wedged into the wheel well. The frame was apparently not just bent but nearly rusted through. It gave way and snapped the axle like a twig. With a sick grinding noise I came to an abrupt stop. I could never get a straight answer when I asked what the “L” stood for in the model name of the car. I think now it was for Luck because his could have easily happened at 70MPH on the highway! As luck would have it, I have AAA PLUS which allows me a 100 mile tow so, of course, I break down less than a mile from my house. I was only a few miles from a trusted mechanic so I had them tow the car there and Heather ferried me home. We called up the insurance folks (NJ Manufacturers) and was delighted to learn that pothole damage falls under my collision coverage. They grabbed the wheel, as it where, and set things in motion.

The damage was considerable. Besides the axle, the strut, brakes, control arm & rocker panel were needing replaced and the transmission was leaking badly. The estimate was $2525. Given the age of the car the insurance folks decided classify my car as a total loss. The next few days saw me behind the wheel of a rented Altima and scrambling to learn everything about the current car market. In retrospect, I should have been paying more attention the past few years. Also in retrospect, if I had heard “Dude! Your wheel’s gunna fall off!” instead of “It’s a control issue.” I probably would have had it repaired. Now it’s too late to save my baby!

Earlier today, the salver (A salver salvages cars, get it?) came and took away my car. The salvage value was $315. Ouch. Cleaning it out and taking off the plates was hard. Signing over the title was harder. 10 years ago I very thoroughly researched the market and made what I still believe was a good decision with Saturn. There was one unconscionable recall 5 years ago (just as my warranty ran out) but other than that the car required very little work and never let me sit. In the end it needed tires, the A/C didn’t work, the mirrors had to be adjusted by hand, the keyless entry required a key & I had dinged and scratched the car in several places. It had character! It also had a four wheels and you need every single one of those apparently.

I’m still researching cars and thinking of going a little bigger. Something that fits my more active lifestyle without giving up too much gas mileage. I wish I had a little more time to mourn but I can’t keep the rental forever. So long Saturn! You were a good company. You were a good car. Maybe that “L” stood for Love.

For the past 4 years or so I’ve had problems with the lower right molars. They don’t like cold. They don’t like hot. They really don’t like when I eat “Jolly Ranchers” or chew gum. Standard tooth pain and no big deal. Two dentists radiated my face and couldn’t find anything structurally wrong.

Score: Cannoli 2, Dentists 0. Undefeated!

It did not hurt when they went but something didn’t feel right. I excused myself and visited the lavatory where I spit & rinsed. The fragments were nowhere to be found. I’m assuming I swallowed them or the were pulverized into vapor by the mighty cannoli crust. Upon closer mirror-aided inspection, both teeth lost their interior side and part of the top. It blows my mind that two could break at the same time – possibly on the same bite! On second thought, maybe it’s not such an odd thing. After all, they are the same age and they had both been filled nearly 20 years ago by the same dentist.

All that’s left is part of the original enamel & a jaggy hunk of plutonium or whatever they used to fill teeth with back in the 80s. I’m kinda broken up (ha ha) about having tooth shards but I’m glad the teeth finally decided they had enough of being pains in the gum. For the moment they’re more sensitive being all exposed but hopefully I’ll have them capped and then… no more pain when I slurp a cold drink or breakfast up a hot bagel. I’ll be trying to arrange some dentistry this week to find out what can be done. Until then I have to do most of my masticating on the sinister side and resist continuously exploring my new mawscape before I wear off the side of my tongue.

Anyway, they ship the things by FedEx SmartPost (aka, someone walks it across the country periodically stopping to smell the flowers) so it took 23 days to arrive at my door. The bag was actually a box and in and of itself was a crap as it had nearly torn through on the bottom. Fortunately, my promised three craps were safe inside. This is what I received:

Pocket Calculators

Red Pail & Action Figure

1) Not one, not two but *TEN* pocket calculators! Yes, believe it or not, small electronic gizmos used to come without built-in phones. These come full featured with off buttons!

2) One “Pail # 5 Bright Red” From Buquet Supply, INC. Made in Mexico. This bad-ass bucket is made of metal and the kinda red you only see on the nails of a professional manicurist.

3) One “Brothers in Arms – Hell’s Highway” video game promo action figure. Comes complete with eighteen points of articulation, two guns, two grenades, one knife, one helmet, one parachute, one backpack, one utility belt & one ammo-filled man-purse. Plus he’s got kung-fu grip!

So, am I happy with my crap? Of course! I always remember the primary crap  rule: Thou shalt not get the crap you want, thou shall want the crap you get.

Day 12: A non-traditional and a great start to any holiday season! I heard it first on 33rpm long-play record – John Denver & The Muppets – A Christmas Together – When the River Meets the Sea. The song was written by Paul Williams for Emmet Otter’s Jug-Band Christmas which is another one of my Christmas favorites.

Day 11: A non-secular classic today. When making my Christmas “mix tapes” back in the day, I excluded Jingle Bells because most recorded versions were too childish. Then I heard this version on an oldies station by accident and it became a favorite. Sing, clap or stomp, just make a joyous noise for Fats Domino’s version of Jingle Bells!

Day 10: Carol of the Drum, better known as The Little Drummer Boy with words and music by Katherine K. Davis. Check out the interesting side bar on the link – the song dates back to 1941. This is the “original” recorded version arranged and sung by the Harry Simeone Chorale.

Day 9: Oh Holy Night – my favorite traditional and the first song ever broadcast via radio. Trans-Siberian Orchestra. Ignore the video. Just listen. The true beauty of this song is its legendary history. My favorite line is usually not sung: “Truly He taught us to love one another, His law is love and His gospel is peace.“

Day 8: With snow on all of our minds, I have to go with White Christmas. Written in 1940 and introduced two years later in the musical Holiday Inn, not the 1954 movie of the same name. I love Bing’s version, but The Drifters have way more fun with it. Their video can’t be embedded so I present the always fun animated version.

Day 7: Nat King Cole – The Christmas Song – Although its been sung many times, many ways, it was written by Mel Torme in 1947 who was just trying to keep cool one hot summer. Nat changed it slightly by adding the strings section and the song became one of the biggest hits ever. I couldn’t imagine Christmas without it!

Day 6: Another old stand-by – Burl Ives singing Holly Jolly Christmas. I still love the 1964 “claymation” movie where most of us heard this song for the first time. This one was written in by Johnny Marks who, though Jewish, wrote many other Christmas classics including Rudolph, Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree and Run Rudolph Run.

Day 5: It’s Beginning to Look A Lot Like Christmas as sung by Bing Crosby. “But the prettiest sight to see is the holly that will be on your own front door.” Every year I make a pilgrimage to some remote forest in NJ and harvest the annual sprig of Holly. This year I visited the maritime forest on Sandy Hook with my wife and a good friend of ours. Good times & happy memories!

Day 4: Happy XMas – John Lennon with the Harlem Community Choir. Yes, the song is titled “XMas” not “Chirstmas”. “So this is Christmas and what have we done? Another year over, a new one just begun.” Actually a protest song but the message is simple – Peace. On Christmas day remember the man but honor his message.

Day 3: Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas works beautifully in duets. One of my favorite versions features Bing Crosby & Frank Sinatra but that isn’t one of YouTube’s favorites. This version features two performers which I dearly miss. …”Through the years we all will be together, if the fates allow.” I tried to not go back to the well with my most favorite Christmas Album of all time… although the lyrics have changed a lot over the years, I could only find recordings where Bing misses a lyric (He says Self instead of Heart) so I go with what works.

Day 2: From the Emmy Award winning Charlie Brown Christmas Special – Christmas Time Is Here by Vince Guaraldi. “Christmas time is here. We’ll be drawing near. Oh, that we could always see such spirit through the year!” This video features an excellent edit of the special and includes Linus’ monologue (Luke 2:8-14). The inclusion of this word-for-word reading originally horrified CBS executives but Charles Shultz insisted saying “If we don’t tell the true meaning of Christmas, who will?”. Read more of the interesting history here.

Christmas Day: John Denver & the Muppets – Alfie the Christmas Tree. Anyone that knows me probably had a good inkling that this would be my final song. It’s one of John Denver’s favorites and it was inspired by the Muppets that helped him perform it. Merry Christmas! The video features the entire segment of the special including a duet with Kermit. Great stuff.

12 years ago I subscribed to a $15/year “credit protection” service paid every 3 years. The credit cards weren’t really doing much protecting yet and the service seemed like a good deal as I kept “losing” my wallet. After a few years I stopped receiving updates from the service. I’m guessing they got snapped up by one of the scammer groups. Anyway, 6 Years ago I canceled the service because the credit cards were watching their own backs. 3 years ago I got charged again despite the cancellation. It was difficult to find out who the hell these people were too. If they were still even REMOTELY legit I’d at least get an invoice. I disputed the charges and they got reversed. Bravo.

In the past 3 years I have moved, changed my phone number & my credit card number has been changed not once but twice because the stupid internet vendors are unable to keep my number private. You’d think that any subscription service would be out of luck, right? I mean month-to-month on Napster got screwed up… now could a once-every-three-years survive?

Not without help from the credit card company of course! Because Citi has facilitated these scammers (and “earned” approximately $2.10 on the transaction). And because the amount hasn’t been credited as I requested when I called them. And because I was given the run-around and spontaneously disconnected twice.  And because they didn’t send me the statements from 3 years ago like I requested last week. And because their interest rate is up to 20%. But mostly because they like to change my billing date, refuse to stop sending me balance transfer “checks”, charged fees for “forwarding” my Napster subscription to the new new number and drop charges on top of the interest for being a day late (while closing their business day whenever they feel like it).

So, see ya Citi. Hope you get a lot of happiness out of your $2.10 because you sold me out for the last time.

January: Re-arrange the living room so the TV could be on an adjacent wall. This involved installing a new wall outlet and re-wiring the cable in the basement. We got it done in one day but it required extra trips to Home Depot to buy a mammoth drill bit and matching wall plates.

February: New faucet for the bathroom sink. I can’t say this one was fun. More trips to Lowes as the new pipes didn’t fit the old pipes and the bloody thing kept leaking. We went over into March but it works.

March: Get the killer thorn bushes out of the yard. The one was a well-established (read: bignormous) bush used to keep people out of the previous owners bedroom. Some folks plant a Garden. They planted a Guardian. It never really bloomed, hurt like hell if you got near it and was an ugly brown all winter so we decided to take it out. The others were the standard “sticker bushes” that you get if you don’t weed for a few years. We’re both perforated but most of the bushes are gone. The big one still has it’s root structure but we’ll hopefully be getting rid of those soon too.

April: Not sure yet. Paint the den? Build a new bathroom in the basement? Finally have that yardsale with which we’ve been threatening the neighbors? Whatever it is I can promise this: It wont make me bleed as much as those damn bushes did!

It’s been a week now since I had a full-blown attack so I’m definitely coming out of this cluster pattern. This is the other defining factor and where Cluster Headaches get their name. They come in groups over a few months and then completely vanish for as much as a year or two. My current cycle will have lasted almost exactly two months, which is on the short side, but I’m certainly not complaining.

Due to the quick onset & (hopefully) rapid departure of the pains, taking medication isn’t really a solution. A few times in the past 2 months I had dull (for clusters) headache that just lasted all day. In those cases 12-hour pain caps took the edge off but for most of the days there’s just nothing you can take that will do more than slowly make you immune to the pain dampener. The only thing I’ve found that can truly beat down a cluster headache in full swing is a terrific rush of endorphins & adrenaline. If I’m at home I’ll hit the basement where we store the free weights. If I’m out and about I’ll do a few wind sprints. If I’m at the office – and this is where the headaches most frequently occur – there’s not much I can do. While working in New York I used to take a walk to the stairway and knock off a few dozen flights. 10 down and 16 back up followed by a walk on the roof usually did the trick. The panic inducing vertigo of looking down 16 stories onto the streets of Manhattan sometimes provided the finishing touch.

The correlation between circadian rhythms and exercise beating the pain is something of a mystery to me but I can see that getting the blood flowing & opening up the capillaries in my head is the solution. Now I just need my current employer to put in an additional 15 stories of building.

This has been a turbulent month for me in a lot of ways. It all started when I returned to work after the New Year’s break and discovered our parent companies had filed for their country’s equivalency of bankruptcy.  The American division is ok so far but it’s not a pretty sight overseas. I hear about companies all over laying people off left and right and I can’t help but feel a bit worried, especially after my other New Year’s surprise – my property taxes went up 10%. Thanks Corzine!

Other turbulence: The other Saturday I flipped on the old boob tube (which doesn’t have a tube. Oh well.) and found nothing but infomercials for hair products & yoga mats. What the? When I was a whipper snapper I lived for Saturday Morning Cartoons and now they are nowhere to be found. I suppose they’ve moved up the dial. You can always get something animated on the Cartoon or Nick networks but Yoga and Hair curlers? Damn… kids are going to just have to go outside to find entertainment!

Two days later I was shocked to hear G-Rock, my favorite radio station, suddenly change formats. Without warning they went from a progressive alt-rock station to a soulless top 40 cookie cutter TMZ mess. The station had been the anchor of my presets and it left a giant hole where “4″ used to be. I wasn’t alone in my disgust. By that weekend 7500 people had organized on Facebook (yeah, I got drawn in) and 3500 signatures had been signed on the Bring Back G-Rock petition. As of this writing Facebook has 9500 members & the petition is up to 4600 signatures.

I’m disappointed but I’m afraid the station wont go back to what it was. Nor will the institution of Saturday Morning Cartoons draw children together on weekends. Times they are a changing and terrestrial radio will be the first to go. Network Television may eventually follow. The Internet is largely to blame and though I love some of the changes, I’m sorry to see my options diminished. I could go with Satellite Radio but then I’ll have to get subscribed. I could get a plan on my phone… but once again, they make you subscribe. Not for me, man! Information & Entertainment was meant to be free. I’ll reconsider when “data” isn’t a “plan” and “commercial free” really is free from commercialism. One day in the hopefully distant future I’ll look back at the early 00′s and remember them as the golden age of entertainment & information – when it was still free and available in multiple ways.

On one hand it will be excellent to turn on The Fiosion to check your email, pull up the latest pictures of your nephew and instantly begin watching the latest episode of The Simpsons (Now in it’s 33rd year!) but the flip side of that coin is that you’ll be locked into a 5 year deal with T-Mobile/Verizon (Officially branded as T.V.) and subject to personal commercials directed right into your psychy based on the things they know about from your Gmail account. Don’t think it’s possible? Get a glimpse of the future on Facebook. Change your birth-date to something in the 50s and watch the ads change to wrinkle cream & arthritis pills. Mark yourself as “Single” and the dating ads will fill your sidebar. Just wait until they know your car just went over 100,000 miles, that you’re addicted to Chap-Stick, and that you never returned that overdue library book (ya know, from back when Libraries still existed).

Ok, that’s enough grousing for one month. I’ll be back next month with less insight and more hindsight.

Midnight Stalkers: I got crushed. 2nd place isn’t bad though. Stupid DeAngelo Williams.
WW GNU League: Victory! The title stays with our department and I win the cashito!
Multi-State Showdown: I actually hoped to lose, but I seem to have won. Oh well.
Open Sports Test League: Victory! Because I played with the site in beta testing they say I’ll get free use for life. Hopefully they’ll get the bugs worked out by then.

Ok, so 6 leagues, 4 championship games, 3 championships. Not too shabby!

I’m planning on joining less leagues next year but of course I said that last year too. . .

Midnight Stalkers: 2nd seed. Playing for the Golden Meatball.  9-4-1
WW GNU League: 5th seed. Playing for cold hard cash & to keep the championship in our department.  8-5
Multi-State Showdown: 2nd seed. Playing for the Trophy and a 4-peat. Crazy! 9-5
Geocachers League: 2nd seed, but only because the 1 seed played me without my RB & WR. Bounced in the first round by a terrific game by the 3rd seed.  11-2
Yahoo Champions League: Formed of previous Yahoo league champs, I had a tough season and finished 5-9 though I was 5th in total points. Sometimes it’s more about luck than a good draft.
Open Sports Test League: 1st seed and playing for the championship. This league was just a beta-test of the new site. 10-4.  I didn’t pay too much attention in this league.

Ok, so 6 leagues, 4 championship games. I’m hoping to pull off upsets in the first two.

So wish me luck… I’ll post an update tomorrow or Tuesday with the results!