Monthly Archives: February 2005

Skid in sideways Brain Dripping

Let me tell you why this ticks me off…

“Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, Whiskey in one hand a slice of Cheesecake in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming Woo-Hoo! What a Ride!”

This is just the kind of personal philosophy that makes people drink, drug or [insert addiction here] themselves to obliteration and die before seeing 30. It suggests that you live your life in an exciting fashion and die without regret. That’s just fine, but I have a big problem with what is inferred. You see, if you were to “skid in sideways” then you died abruptly like someone who just crashed his white Ford Bronco in a high-speed chase with the cops. It sounds to me like someone who drives their bi-wheeled crotch-rocket at break-neck speeds in between 18-wheeled tractor/trailers. This kind of person, if they embrace the quote to it’s fullest, wouldn’t hesitate to enjoy the rush that comes from robbing a bank or exploding their brain with a narcotic-cocktail. If it is suicide that’s just fine by me – Live and let Die as the song says – but it’s when they cut me off on their bike or forget that they have children or steal my car to feed their drug habit or skid sideways into my living-room yelping “What a ride” that I get a bit miffed. This quote-living person would be narcissistic at least and at worst a true sociopath. Goddamn it, we’re all in this together and if you go sliding in sideways what does that leave the rest of us but a ripped up flower garden, a motorbike in our pantry and a grave with an arm hanging out of it?

Please, for the good of society, have your fun, but LIVE RESPONSIBLY and LIVE LONG ENOUGH to enjoy it. Life isn’t truly enjoyed until one learns to slow down and hazard sniffs at the passing flowers. Thou shalt fear not death, but neither shall ye seek it. Especially if you take my ass out in your blasted Blaze of Gory.

On a lighter note, I tortured the internet and found many variations on this bit of verse. Seems everyone wants to modify it for their own personal tastes! Of course nobody got it right, but here’s what they say:

Things in the hands:

Alcohols Other Drinks Foods Everything Else

Champagne
Martini
Margarita
Chardonnay
Favorite Vodka
Glass of Wine
Tequila
Beer
Whiskey
JD
Crown Royal
Guinness
Rum

Favorite Beverage
Diet Coke
Eggnog
Pepsi
Chocolate Milk

Strawberries
Chocolate
Strawberries AND Chocolate
(double)Cheeseburger
Lime
Fudge
Chips
Pizza
Circus Peanuts
Lemon
Pretzels

Cigar
Car Keys
Doobie
Clutch Lever
Throttle
Divinity
Guitar
Reins
Favorite Toy

You’ll note that the Alcohol group is the longest with food coming in second. You’ll also note that nobody wants to die with rosary beads, a military-issue rifle, their briefcase or some duct-tape and Saran Wrap. Funny thing, that. Nobody mentions their iPod either. Guess it’s just a fad. You can’t take it with you, you know!

Anywho… here’s what people SHOULD have wanted to die with:

  • A lawyer’s throat
  • Hair of the dog (or other creature that was devouring you)
  • Parachute rip cord
  • Winning lottery ticket (imagine the irony in the afterlife)
  • Empty bottle of Viagra
  • The Championship Belt/Trophy
  • A good book
  • THE Good Book
  • Your wife’s hand (drag that bitch with you, yeah!)
  • Your husband’s hand (Just the hand, leave the rest.)
  • Clean water (Hey, for some folks this is as good as it gets)
  • Freshly signed life-insurance policy
  • The sentencing judge’s gavel
  • The secret plans (on mini-spy-cd) to overthrow a random government

Last words: YAHOOO, YEEHAW, Y-E-E-E-E-E H-A-A-A-A-A-A-A, Hell-Yeah, God Damn, F*ck, Holy [Shit/Wow/Crap/Cow], What a ride!, What a trip!, That was bitchin!, How good was that, etc.

Seems lots of people curse as they die. That’s reasonable and to be expected but for something you can only ever do once, you think more people would have thought up something better than “That was bitchin”. Might I make a suggestion?

Better last words:

  • From hell’s heart I stab at thee!
  • Here lies one who’s name is writ on water.
  • I regret nothing!
  • Dog of a Saxon! Take thy lance, and prepare for the death thou hast drawn upon thee!
  • Anybody have an aspirin?
  • [in your best Urkle voice] “Did I do that?”
  • You think I jumped!? It wasn’t my time! GET OFF MY TRAIN!
  • Precious, precious, precious! My Precious! O my Precious!

Ok, I stole a few of those from people who uttered famous last words. I could have included “I regret that I have but one life to give for my country” or “My god, my god! Why have you forsaken me!”. Going out a plagiarist is better than going out infringing on trademarks by spewing “YAHOOO”.

Final notes:
Some people took extra literary license. Some folks skid in, others slide in. Slide in sounds like they really botched that attempt to stretch a hit into a triple and died when they were tagged out by third baseman. That’s actually a good way to go, especially if your team is winning because they’ll probably call the game “on account of corpse”. The “Body thoroughly used up” seems optional. Ok. Some have added “no money left”. Nice one. Guess you expect my taxes will pay to cinder your loser corpse. Screw that! We the living will be tossing your bloated meat sack in the dump. Let the rats gnaw gnaw gnaw! Now THAT’s a way to die! Yeehaaaaw! Yeehaaaaw!