Baby Talk has Adult Ring

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When I was a tiny tiny baby my parents decided I was cute enough to do the whole family-photo-thing and we all went out to a Studio and had our pictures taken. The photographer found me very expressive for just a few weeks old and used a handful of props he had laying around to capture – and then caption – a few priceless photos. He sold four of the best to the local paper and at just 3 weeks old my picture was published in the Reading Eagle!

A few years ago, while looking through old photo albums at my Grandmother’s house, I found an original proof of the pictures cut/pasted into the original newspaper copy and scanned it for posterity. It goes a little something like this:

I was never a fan of that "Cosmetics" line.

You can click on the picture to see it in full-size. The captions – from Left to Right, Top to Bottom read:

Don’t know how Gloria Steinem stands these things.

You better start talking turkey or the deal’s off.

Someone is making a big profit from these rising gas prices.

Take back this football and give me a cosmetics contract.

I decided that I’d like to have some photos of my own baby girl captured and captioned. I have no inclination to try and get them published in our local paper – mostly because there is none – but because I can just publish them here and have them potentially seen by many many more people. =]

Last week I setup a little “Studio” in the dining room complete with a lamp and shag-like rug. I was unable to find kid-sized glasses or a 60s retro phone so I improvised. With only maybe 20 minutes of shoot time before we went from Happy Baby to Angry Pterodactyl I started snapping shots and seeing what I could get accomplished in just one “session”. I got all that I wanted and more. Seems being an expressive baby runs in the family!

Allison Grace - Ham Extraordinaire!

I only updated one caption because Ms. Steinem stopped wearing those glasses back in the 80s. I considered photo-shopping the pictures to correct little things like Heather’s hand in the football shot or the drool marks on the football but decided against it. Here is Allison as we see her and as the camera found here that morning. Here’s a few “outtake” shots that we couldn’t fit into the montage. Enjoy!

My share of the federal deficit is how much?

The AAMCO Commercial! Quick! Turn it off!

Wanna go see the Smurfs movie? Yeah, me neither.

Yeah, I made my money in Cosmetics but now I just play for the love of the game.

Glad the NFL Lockout was resolved!

Brain Pain 2011

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Just to fully document the phenomena, I went through a cluster cycle in January into February. To those who somehow missed my previous update on these almost exactly two years ago, I suffer from Cluster Headaches. These suckers suck but only for a few months out of the year then they go away for several months. The current cycle came on slowly. I had a few minor headaches and a few ocular migraines in November and December. It went full blown the second week of January and peeked the last week of that month. I then entered one of the more stressful weeks of my professional career and – survival instincts ruling out stupid head pain – the cluster took a two week break. By the first week of March the headaches had ceased. By documenting these cycles as they happen here I’m definitely seeing a pattern.

1) They’re brought on by Christmas Stress – or at least the disruption in sleep patterns that seem to happen here.

2) Nitrates! I’m watching my intake of the pernicious ‘trates. Alas, they’re in Hot-dogs and Bacon so I can’t help myself sometimes.

3) They tend to peter out with the worst of winter. Humidity? Low pressure? Less sun? I spent a lot of time outdoors this year despite the cold and snow.

Combining 1 & 2 and thinking back… in the beginning of November I had a business trip to Ireland and the UK. Fairly stressful is travel and the time change wompted my sleep patterns. Then there was the bacon and sausage every morning. Yum! Ouch! If sleep patterns and nitrates have anything to do with cluster headaches one might think I was trying to bring on a headache cycle! Anyway, I haven’t had one in weeks now so I figured it was time to document the cycle. See ya’ll back here in 2012!

Near Miss

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Pictures tell the story. Thursday January 28th. I awake to find yet another foot and a half of snow has fallen. The trees were just sagging under the weight. I noticed we lost a few good sized branches from the twin pines. One crushed the thermometer hanging on the tree. The sheer weight of the snow was too much for the flagpole too. It bent down until the flag touched the ground. Then I saw my car.

: Overburdened – A Bad Omen!

: Branch Meets Hood – My car!

: Where did it fall from?

: Monster Branch!

: Pining for Spring

: Snowy Cliffwood Beach

The monster branch (about 6 inches across at it’s thickest and weighing 60+ pounds laden with snush) fell about 20 before landing right where we normally park during “snow episodes”. For some reason I pulled right in behind Heather that day. Probably saved myself a repair bill too. My whole yard is nothing but shattered pine. My whole driveway is surrounded by walls of snow. In two days it is Groundhogs Day and I’m thinking of macing the little guy just so he can’t see his shadow and give me another six weeks of this crap. Come on Spring! Come early! Do it for the Trees – they obviously can’t take much more snow!

[PS: If the images aren’t displayed, click the Original link below. I’m trying a new gallery and I’m betting it won’t email well.]

Life Alterations

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Here I sit on the cusp of 2011 visualizing the baby in diapers wearing the “2011” sash and ruminating on alterations. I’m altering the “spare bedroom” into a nursery when I think that this could be a life altering event. I’ve heard that having a kid changes everything. So far it’s only changed the paint in our smallest bedroom. And Heather’s waist measurements I suppose. Perhaps we’ll have her pants altered.

Because I’m completely out of control of the entire situation I look for the things I can control – even if they’re nearly a year in the future – like what to do about all the non-kid friendly furniture and electronics stored so conveniently at ground level?

My plan: Eventually the whole house will have to be altered. I don’t like to have to redo work so I’m not just going to childproof the house but do so in a permanent fashion. Gone will be the end-tables with lamps just waiting to be pulled onto unfused skulls. So long media cabinet filled with oh-so-shiny and tasty DVDs. Book shelves? Not a chance. Any drawers/cabinets that can’t be locked will be emptied. The kitchen will basically have to be gutted from everything below 3 feet. The solution will be shelves. Lots of them. Covering every wall. Not so high so Heather can’t reach.

But that sounds like work and I’d rather charge out to play… alas, there’s a wall of snow impeding my stampede so I’ll stay in and make a list of things to do but I wont do them because I’m too occupied making the list and thinking about snow and typing blog entries with horrendous run-on sentences, with ill-placed commas. Logically I know I must finish everything on my honey-do list and my bucket (ehem – diaper pail) list before the kid is born in April. Realistically I’ll put it off until such time as I’m actually nervous when The Great Alteration is nigh. I can’t think of a better use for nervous energy than very amateur carpentry. I might accidentally sand off my knuckles and will probably lose a finger tip to a jigsaw but I consider that preferable to having to think up baby names. *shudder*

Corporate Charities – Give with your head

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First off, Breast Cancer is bad, mmmmkay? Something like 12% women will get it and 25% of those will be killed by it. Us men aren’t free and clear either as hundreds of men die from man-boob cancer. Seriously.

That said, consider the source and follow the money before you blindly give over your money to a “charity” that supports “awareness”. They’re largely wasting your money. Consider: There is nary a woman of breast sporting age who isn’t “aware” that she should be giving herself a periodic check. Money spent on “awareness” may very likely be used to make you more aware of the charitable organization rather than it’s goals. A good example here is the corporate entities that align with a charity to hopefully do some good… and to make you more aware of the corporation. Pink websites? Hard on the eyes. Pink splotches on NFL merchandise? Silly. Printing newspapers with pink paper? Wasteful.

3 Years of Ribbons The timely example is Lee National Denim Day. For a paltry $5 you get to wear jeans on the first Friday of October (as long as the first Friday isn’t the first of the month apparently). That $5 (Minus Lee’s expenses?) is then sent to the Entertainment Industry Foundation which in turn supports various charities. You also get a pink ribbon emblazoned in gold lettering with the Lee logo. The past few years the logo has been getting bigger and flashier at the expense of the ribbon (See picture at left) and that got me to thinking… what percent of my Lincoln is actually going to charity and why in the hell would anyone want to wear an ad for a brand of jeans? The answer is pretty obvious – we’re all riddled with guilt for NOT having cancer… and not doing anything to prevent it from forming in others. The more health and/or wealth you have the more guilt you likely suffer at the hands of the various charities or causes. This is why you can’t see a damned Broadway play without having a “message” shoved down your throat. Paying for your ticket and nodding don’t make you an activist but for some reason it dulls the guilt the tiniest bit. So does wearing a ribbon I guess.

But it doesn’t do anything to prevent breast cancer.

In this case we really don’t need money – we need education. There is no common cancer death more preventable. Except maybe lung cancer. Most people diagnosed with lung cancer spent the majority of their life and thousands upon thousands of dollars just to get to that point but I digress. Death by breast cancer is very preventable. Just phluff your girls frequently then tell the charities to save the “awareness” and use the money to help those who can’t afford a mammogram. Better yet, volunteer $5 of your time to print out and distribute some education keeping the money out of the hands of big industries all together. The health-care industry LOVES taking money from charities because it’s guaranteed while individuals may go bankrupt or worse – die before running out of money. And if an institution is getting free funds why not raise the rates to maximize income? Horrible but human nature. So where does the money go? Most family bankruptcies are due to illness. Hospitals are going out of business. But somehow insurance companies are thriving. If you really need something to feel guilty about… buoying the medical insurance industry is a good place to start. Ah, but once again I digress.

Back to that magic five dollars. The EIF is only about 75% efficient in returning your money to the cause. They do a lot of fine work but I like a higher return on my investment. The Susan G. Komen group is one of the largest and is better at 83% efficient but it always bothers me a little when the president or CEO makes more than a half million dollars a year. The Breast Cancer Research Foundation is better still at 91% but suffers the same problem. Regardless, I gave them my $5 and the anti-breast cancer charities netted an extra 80 cents. I also gave $2 to the website that compiles the data to which I’ve linked above. Paltry sums to be sure and I have plenty of health, if not wealth to feel guilty about but I do what I can. Like writing this rambling diatribe to clarify my thoughts. Not for you, who for some unknown reason is still reading it, but for me and hopefully for the greater good.

I’m wearing Jeans today but I’m not wearing the ribbon on my shirt. Instead, I’ll be distributing education throughout the month. I think that will be worth a good deal more than the $3.75 I would have donated if I a spent with my heart rather than my head. For women it’s even easier – donate some time with your hands… and be well.

Breast Cancer Research FoundationBreast

Half Marathon SUCCESS!

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It was a rocky road leading up to the rocky trail but, with Heather’s support and patience, I lived – and finished in the middle of the pack.

Since my last update I didn’t keep track of my miles as religiously but I know that in week 5 I topped out at 20 miles and then started to go down hill. With 3 weeks to go I went out for my standard 5 mile morning run and, while crossing between a park and sidewalk, banged my knee on a guardrail. It swelled up pretty good and kept me from running for a few days but could have been much worse. One week later, on the same morning loop and very near where I hit my knee, my ankle started clicking with every step. Then it started hurting and I ended up limping the last mile home. Lots of ice and massage to the calf loosened things up but I’m still not sure what causes the strange clicking. I know it’s worse when I sit with my feet crossed over and the heel of my opposite foot resting on a particular tendon on the top of ankle. I’ll sometimes sleep in this position so I think it’s ironic that I might be injuring myself while napping!

I barely ran the final two weeks. I got out for 6 miles for the annual 9/11 memorial run and a easy 4 miler a few days before the race just to keep things lubricated. I focused on getting lots of sleep that week and prepped everything I would need including securing a hotel a few miles from the starting line. The night before the run Heather & I drove out to Philly and just crashed. I woke up before the alarm and took a walk around the motel. It was HOT already! I picked a Fall run because the heat really kills me. So, what do I get? A near record breaking heat wave. I wanted an Indian Summer, not a summer in India! Adding to my angst, I failed to enter the location of the race start in the GPS and, though I had studied the route, a road turned out to be named something different so we got lost. The final straw was when I tried to grab an extra bottle of water from the cooler. The whole thing turned over somehow and dumped water and half melted ice into my dry clothing bag. Arrrgh!

The race director was on top of things though and assuaged my biggest fears by adding two more water-stops along the course which allowed me the freedom to not carry a bottle. Just in case though Heather agreed to drive down to the half-way point and cheer me on/hydrate me as necessary. She was carrying the special bottle of home-made sports drink (Equal measures fruit juice, Pedialyte & seltzer) and was met there by our friend Amy who lives in the Philly area and was cool enough to swing by and help keep Heather sane while waiting for me. It turned out that the half way point was one of the water stops so Heather & Amy volunteered to help distribute H²O & “G”. I reached them just over an hour into the race. I was doing great at that point, and had even been conversational, but I had done a lot of 6 mile training runs so that’s to be expected. The back half would be the real test. While the first 6 miles were almost entirely trails, the next 3 miles were on a paved bike path. I’m no fan of blacktop running so I plodded along on the grass just to the side of the trail and used the opportunity to run backwards for a bit to give my legs a taste of something different. Yeah, I’m a very odd runner apparently. =]

The final water break was at mile 8.4. It took my dehydrated and oxygen deprived brain a few minutes but I figured that gave me less than two miles to go. Cake walk! Alas, that’s the point I hit the really hilly part of course. I fought cramps & fatigue the last mile but ran every step of every hill – unlike the group in front of me which walked the hills and was passed/passed by me at least a half dozen times. When I rounded a turn and saw the finish line I dumped what I had left into my legs and kicked for the finish completing my run in 2 hours and 15 minutes. Awesome! That’s a 10.36 minute mile pace throughout.

I collected my prize – a cuckoo whistle imported from Germany – and walked around sipping water for a while before Heather & Amy returned. My legs felt like rubber – both the overly quivery rubber and the hard dry-rotted kind – and I had half a headache. After re-hydrating and yummying down on a sausage sandwich I started to feel almost human again. After some stretching work I was ready to go again!

So, that’s my tale. I survived! Thanks to the race coordinators for the extra water stops, GU-CHOMPS for providing me some electrolytes along the way & Heather & Amy for being my support crew. I’ll also apologize to my friends that I blew off the past few weekends because I had to get in some long training runs. To make up for lost time I’m taking a long weekend and going biking in Central Park on Friday and camping in Voorhees State Park on Saturday & Sunday. I believe I’ve earned some R&R!

Before I even completed the half I was asked if I would continue on to run a full marathon. I doubt it. The time investment is way outside of what I’m willing to give to something that basically just hurts. I won’t say that wont ever try one… but it would take an early retirement (and probably the collapse of the GPS system) to give me that motivation. No matter what though… 13.1 is off my bucket list!