Category Archives: Brain Dripping

A sandwich just isn’t a sandwich…

A bunch of years ago I started working full time and had a “Lunch Hour” (Well, 45 minutes, but’s another story). I tried the office cafeteria but was put off by the “$5.00 hamburger & a Coke” platter not to mention the 15 minute bread line that piled up since the entire building took lunch at the same time. I needed an alternative! I drove to the closest sandwich shop (Subway) and got a $4.50 “Sub & a Coke” but lost 30 of my 45 min tues in the acquisition which wasn’t worth the .50. I needed another alternative!

Enter the $2.50 Brown Bag Lunch!

I started brown-bagging it and never looked back. I quickly developed a formula for packing my lunch every morning – and it had to be in the morning or I’d forget the bag sitting in the refrigerator. The formula satisfied all of the major taste requirements and was this simple: Just remember The Four S’s!

Sandwich – A standard Oscar Meyer (lite) bologna& mustard sandwich. This is the most important (and substantial) part of the lunch and almost NEVER varied. ($1.50 including cheese) See more below.
Saltie – Fulfilling the need for something crunchy and saltie a pack of crackers (Keebler or Lance) or one of those “snack pack” sized bags of chips/doritos/gold-fish did the trick. ($0.25)
Sweet – Ending the lunch munch would be something sweet. Often a banana, box of raisins, apple or single-serve apple-sauce pack. Of course sometimes I would splurge and have an nutragrain-bar, quaker-chewy-granola-bar, oatmeal-cream-pie or star-crunch. ($0.50)
Soda – Diet Mt. Dew & Diet Sierra Mist were the most common just because Pepsi products were on sale more often than Coke’s products. If I could get it I enjoyed Diet Minute Made or Lipton Tea. My rule: Never pay more than $3.50 for a dozen cans. Once in a great while I would catch a 12 pack of Snapple on sale for around .50 a bottle and would grab a pack. ($0.25)
I later added an extra “S” when I had to work past 7:00 I would have a Snack – This would invariably be a piece of fruit.

But back to the sandwich… here’s the PERFECT sandwich:

1 Slice of Bread
Cheese Slice
Bologna slice
Cheese Slice
Bologna slice
1 Mustard
1 Slice of Bread

Butter-top wheat or “Italian” style
Cheap “American” cheese-food
Oscar Mayer beef bologna rocks!
More calcium!
Louis Rich turkey ‘logna is good too
Whatever mustard is on sale!
They call this the “heel”

The table at the right is the actual “Nutrition Information” for the above Perfect Sandwich. My secret to remaining slim is cutting corners on the “perfect” sandwich. There’s too much sodium & fat in the regular bologna so I used the “Lite” or turkey variants for half the sat-fat. Cutting back to one (or zero) slices of cheese is another good way to cut calories but it’s about the only way I get calcium, so I’ll include one slice on most sandwiches. The mustard is on the bottom so to make sure it gets tasted by the tongue. Can’t forget the ‘bitter’ taste buds in the perfect lunch, ya know! The mustard, along with the cheese on the top forces the sandwich to stick together. The interior slices adhere with good old surface tension. Ah, it’s all so PERFECT!

Note: Never use Mayo! I’ve heard it is evil.

Nutrition Facts
Serving Size 1 sandwich
Servings Per Container 1

Amount Per Serving

Calories

430

Calories from Fat

280

% Daily Value**

Total Fat 26.5g

40%

Saturated Fat 13g

48%

Cholesterol 70mg

24%

Sodium 1405mg

59%

Total Carbs 30g

11%

Dietary Fiber 2g

Sugars 4g

Protein 13g

12%

Vitamin A

Calcium

64%

Iron

12%

Thiamin

10%

Riboflavin

Niacin

Folic Acid

10%

**Percent Daily Values are based
on a 2,000 calorie diet.

ONE is the loneliest number…

Skid in sideways

Let me tell you why this ticks me off…

“Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, Whiskey in one hand a slice of Cheesecake in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming Woo-Hoo! What a Ride!”

This is just the kind of personal philosophy that makes people drink, drug or [insert addiction here] themselves to obliteration and die before seeing 30. It suggests that you live your life in an exciting fashion and die without regret. That’s just fine, but I have a big problem with what is inferred. You see, if you were to “skid in sideways” then you died abruptly like someone who just crashed his white Ford Bronco in a high-speed chase with the cops. It sounds to me like someone who drives their bi-wheeled crotch-rocket at break-neck speeds in between 18-wheeled tractor/trailers. This kind of person, if they embrace the quote to it’s fullest, wouldn’t hesitate to enjoy the rush that comes from robbing a bank or exploding their brain with a narcotic-cocktail. If it is suicide that’s just fine by me – Live and let Die as the song says – but it’s when they cut me off on their bike or forget that they have children or steal my car to feed their drug habit or skid sideways into my living-room yelping “What a ride” that I get a bit miffed. This quote-living person would be narcissistic at least and at worst a true sociopath. Goddamn it, we’re all in this together and if you go sliding in sideways what does that leave the rest of us but a ripped up flower garden, a motorbike in our pantry and a grave with an arm hanging out of it?

Please, for the good of society, have your fun, but LIVE RESPONSIBLY and LIVE LONG ENOUGH to enjoy it. Life isn’t truly enjoyed until one learns to slow down and hazard sniffs at the passing flowers. Thou shalt fear not death, but neither shall ye seek it. Especially if you take my ass out in your blasted Blaze of Gory.

On a lighter note, I tortured the internet and found many variations on this bit of verse. Seems everyone wants to modify it for their own personal tastes! Of course nobody got it right, but here’s what they say:

Things in the hands:

Alcohols	Other Drinks	Foods	Everything Else
Champagne Martini Margarita Chardonnay Favorite Vodka Glass of Wine Tequila Beer Whiskey JD Crown Royal Guinness Rum	Favorite Beverage Diet Coke Eggnog Pepsi Chocolate Milk	Strawberries Chocolate Strawberries AND Chocolate (double)Cheeseburger Lime Fudge Chips Pizza Circus Peanuts Lemon Pretzels	Cigar Car Keys Doobie Clutch Lever Throttle Divinity Guitar Reins Favorite Toy

You’ll note that the Alcohol group is the longest with food coming in second. You’ll also note that nobody wants to die with rosary beads, a military-issue rifle, their briefcase or some duct-tape and Saran Wrap. Funny thing, that. Nobody mentions their iPod either. Guess it’s just a fad. You can’t take it with you, you know!

Anywho… here’s what people SHOULD have wanted to die with:

A lawyer’s throat
Hair of the dog (or other creature that was devouring you)
Parachute rip cord
Winning lottery ticket (imagine the irony in the afterlife)
Empty bottle of Viagra
The Championship Belt/Trophy
A good book
THE Good Book
Your wife’s hand (drag that bitch with you, yeah!)
Your husband’s hand (Just the hand, leave the rest.)
Clean water (Hey, for some folks this is as good as it gets)
Freshly signed life-insurance policy
The sentencing judge’s gavel
The secret plans (on mini-spy-cd) to overthrow a random government

Last words: YAHOOO, YEEHAW, Y-E-E-E-E-E H-A-A-A-A-A-A-A, Hell-Yeah, God Damn, F*ck, Holy [Shit/Wow/Crap/Cow], What a ride!, What a trip!, That was bitchin!, How good was that, etc.

Seems lots of people curse as they die. That’s reasonable and to be expected but for something you can only ever do once, you think more people would have thought up something better than “That was bitchin”. Might I make a suggestion?

Better last words:

From hell’s heart I stab at thee!
Here lies one who’s name is writ on water.
I regret nothing!
Dog of a Saxon! Take thy lance, and prepare for the death thou hast drawn upon thee!
Anybody have an aspirin?
[in your best Urkle voice] “Did I do that?”
You think I jumped!? It wasn’t my time! GET OFF MY TRAIN!
Precious, precious, precious! My Precious! O my Precious!

Ok, I stole a few of those from people who uttered famous last words. I could have included “I regret that I have but one life to give for my country” or “My god, my god! Why have you forsaken me!”. Going out a plagiarist is better than going out infringing on trademarks by spewing “YAHOOO”.

Final notes:
Some people took extra literary license. Some folks skid in, others slide in. Slide in sounds like they really botched that attempt to stretch a hit into a triple and died when they were tagged out by third baseman. That’s actually a good way to go, especially if your team is winning because they’ll probably call the game “on account of corpse”. The “Body thoroughly used up” seems optional. Ok. Some have added “no money left”. Nice one. Guess you expect my taxes will pay to cinder your loser corpse. Screw that! We the living will be tossing your bloated meat sack in the dump. Let the rats gnaw gnaw gnaw! Now THAT’s a way to die! Yeehaaaaw! Yeehaaaaw!